Perhaps it is time...

I am sitting here at 5th day post op.  I have the incredibly wonderful ability to be able to stay home with no questions for 5 work days.  This is the 4th work day off.

I think I need to go back.

I'm getting  a little lazy around the house.  I called the cable company crabby because for about 45 minutes the channels were pixelating - you know, the little squares that look like something is wrong.  I went for a walk.  I am doing the dishes as they get dirty. 

I even went for a walk.

So, yes, I think I should attempt to go back tomorrow.  Even if it is just for part of the day.

The thing that has held me back is that I just don't feel 100%.  I have queasy moments - or am I hungry?  I haven't figured out the difference yet.  I am mostly dependent on time - has it been 3-4 hours since I started eating something?  And ***TMI*** I have had diarrhea once last night and once this morning.  The kind where you think it's going to be gas, but surprise, you need to get your butt to the bathroom?  yeah - that kind.

Good times.

I have to believe that that is partly because I am only doing liquids.  Protein shakes, soup, pudding, yogurt.  Rinse and repeat.  Thank goodness I didn't have to do liquids ahead of time - that would have put me over the edge.  I just keep having to fight head hunger.  I want cheese or meat.  Real meat.

The first thing I am having to learn to repeat to myself - I will have (insert craving here) soon.  Soon I can have it.  I have the rest of my life to have whatever it is.  But for now, I need to heal, to be healthy, to do as I am asked.  I won't die.  People don't die after this surgery from starving.  However, the smells, the sights - they make me question my strength.  Can I really do this for 2 weeks?

Saturday, we are supposed to go to Texas Roadhouse for my DH's niece's 18th birthday.  We don't want to miss it.  We need to be there to support her - she needs all the positive support we can give.  However - really?  Texas Roadhouse?  With the steak?  With the fried stuff?  Where I can eat a yummy side of applesauce or mashed potatoes - neither of which are on my list of approved foods, but appear to be the safest route.  *sigh*  Clearly, I just need to suck it up.  Again - I won't die.  And I have the rest of my life to eat steak, maybe.  :)

My other challenge - I didn't want my in-laws to know about the surgery at all.  I just don't need the judging and the conversations.  I don't trust most of them and I know they all love their gossip.  I would just rather not be their topic of conversation.  But, DH told his mom.  And his mom doesn't always remember to keep things quiet.  So....I am guessing everyone there will know that I am eating barely anything because I have had this surgery.  Lovely. 

So, see - I need to go back to work.  Only my boss and my coworker know there, so I can just be.  And I have plenty of do, so I won't have to think about much.

Oh, and my new engagement ring arrived today.  I like it - so pretty.  It's bigger than the old one and radiant cut instead of princess - so it feels odd to see it.  But I like it and am so happy to have it back on my hand.

Oh, and (I keep thinking of things) did anyone watch Mike and Molly last night?  Not sure how to feel about it.  Loved the open conversation about how NOT EASY it is to be heavy.  I didn't love the little digs and jokes - but they were made from family and close friends, so does that make it easier or better or more acceptable?  I'm not sure.  I will give it a few more episodes...we'll see.  What did you all think?

Until later!