Friday, July 29, 2011

Are you kidding me?

So...when this all started I said - and had many say to me - that this will get worse before it gets better.

Huh.  Hard to imagine in the middle of it - but it's true.

- yesterday I got a copy of the amended protection order.  turns out STBXH and his lawyer submitted for it to be changed for him to come on my street for work.  Fine.  My lawyer knew that part.  I'm good with that.  Oh, and they failed to mention that they added that he could call my dad 1x to meet here to get more clothes and tools.  Um, no.  I don't agree to that.  Not comfortable with that.  You took 45 minutes the first night with the police and took my stuff.  You took almost 30 minutes the second time.  You don't need anything more until we settle the divorce.

- I get to go to court, I found out today, on Monday.  He had charges against him for the imfamous night and this is the pretrial conference and the prosecutor needs me there.  Excellent.  Oh and I got to retell the story for the 100th time to them this morning.  Excellent.

- His girlfriend, that I suspected and he denied, posted to his Facebook page tonight that she loved waking up to the flowers he gave her and thanks for a great date last night.  Seriously, sent me into a tail spin.  Thank goodness for my parents, despite my dad's desire to medicate with food and bringing ice cream.  I know I need to unfriend him.  This has all happened so fast and I just am not there yet.  But...this isn't good.  And there are people that he is friends with that are my family and his and my friends who don't know what is going on yet.  But, gosh, now they get to find out - don't they?


Tomorrow is the reunion.  Wish I had a designated driver.  On the other hand, probably best to not make a fool out of myself.  :)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Your Support...and today's blah moment

First of all - and most importantly - Thank You.  Thank you all for being there and supporting me.  Your kind words, your stories of relating, your encouragement means so much to me.  Thank you.  I can't read the blog comments at work, so it's hard to get on here often.  So, while I don't post everyday, know I read the comments and cherish them all as I struggle with lonely and angry and sad and oversensative and all the ugly emotions that go with all of this.

And I promise I'm not all negative and moping all day.  I'm just getting out some of the ughs here.  My boss asked me today if I was happier.  I told him far from it - he said I was hiding it well, because I seemed happier.  Kinda funny, kinda probably not healthy.  But it's my coping skill right now, especially at work.

STBXH put a hold on his mail.  Fine.  But in the past 2.5 weeks, I've had now 4 conversations with the USPS regarding delivering my mail, despite holding his.  Today I finally had a super there tell me that tey can't hold for one, not the other.  Fine - I told her cancel the hold and bring me all of the mail.  I got mail, not all of it - nothing for him today, so I know it's not all of it.  However, they had a letter from the prosecutor - they want to talk to me.  Before his pre-trial on Monday morning.  Awesome.  So, I will try and talk to them tomorrow.  And they got the protective order changed so that STBXH can contact my father once to get tools and clothes.  Really - you've been here twice since this started, the 1st time for 45 minutes and the police didn't watch you like they promised me and you took my Nook and I suspect my engagement ring and wedding rings and some cash.  You don't need to come back here right now.  And you certainly need not involve my father.  They told my lawyer about the other part - that they were changing it to include that he could be on my street for work, only work.  But they left out the other part.  Seriously, don't play sneaky on me now.  I am trying to be the better person. 

And I'm out of Ambien.  I forgot to call for a refill.  I'm thinking it's a night for an Ativan.  :)  or just my bourbon and coke.

And you all are right - I need to focus on exercise and diet.  Control those things.  We all know it's not that easy.  We'd all choose controlling those things as our control of choice if it were that easy.  But, you are right.  I'd feel better.  I have a treadmill in my basement.  I need to use it.  I need to get out with the dog.  I need to just be mindful of food.  I am eating less, overall - just lacking appetite.  But I'm not making great choices.

Phew - again, just good to get it all out. 

Love you all.  Talk to you soon.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Just feeling down.

I just feel down right now.  I know - it's to be expected.  But I don't usually feel this down for this long.
One of my biggest fears and insecurities is the thought that people just don't want to be with me.  I used to take it personally if STBXH didn't want to spend time with me, but wanted to be in his man cave or whatever.  I am sensitive when people cancel plans or put off making plans with me.  Now, it's not all rational.  I didn't always want to be with STBXH.  I like alone time sometimes.  I don't always get right back to people to make plans.  I have even at times cancelled plans, not because I didn't want to be with them, but because something came up.
Well, today, I had a lunch date with one friend and a dinner date with another.  Lunch date said she could still get together, but it would be better if we reschedule.  sure, no problem.  dinner date was with a woman I was really close to in jr high school.  By the time we were sophomores, (and this is all still my perspective) she had turned our group of girlfriends away from me and we all in all stopped talking, leaving me without close girlfriends at my high school.  I developed new friendships, with people at other high schools...but still that all stung.  In fact, I believe it was this time in life that made me so sensitive about people wanting to be with me.  ANYWAYS, thanks to the power of Facebook, said friend and I "found" each other and started talking again.  We actually have lots in common and share opinions on politics and religion.  So I suggested that we maybe have lunch and catch up - sure that she'd find a way to avoid me - and she didn't.  In fact, she was so sure I still really hated her for how she treated me, she was shocked I suggested lunch.  We met, had a great lunch and vowed to get together again soon.  She is married, has 3 kids, lots of friends, active.'s been almost 6 months since that lunch.  We've tried a few times...never worked out.  Tonight was supposed to be our chance - but, she texted me a while ago that she had a sick kid and that we'd have to reschedule.
OK...we can do that.
but it's amazing how easily I can go back to those feelings from high school.  Our 20 year high school reunion is this weekend.  I asked if she was going.  Turns out that the 2 other girls we were close with are staying with her this weekend from out of town and she messaged that they weren't sure if they were going.  Honestly, I just felt jealous about being left out, not getting to see them, etc.  Really?  People I haven't been close to in 22 years?  Dear God....but I'll tell you, I am 15 years old all over again!!  Jealous and hurt.
And my other struggle right now is lonliness.  I know I'm doing the right thing when it comes to my marriage.  But dang it if it isn't lonely knowing I am going home to an empty house tonight, now that plans are cancelled.  And it was lonely this weekend.  And Sunday when I went to the grocery store for what I think is my first big trip since this all went down 3 weeks ago, I am pretty sure I had a panic attack.  Small, but pretty sure.  I felt my heart race and it took every ounce of trying to keep focused on where I was and what I was doing.  I just kept thinking, no I don't need that anymore.  No, I don't need to get those anymore.  Those were for STBXH when I used to buy those.  Everywhere I turned, it was as if he followed me.
And I'm not alone, but I think I'm one of my first friends to go through this, so I am struggling with not knowing who to talk to and about what and what things mean I'm going nuts vs what things don't mean that.  Does that even make sense?
So...I struggle.  Still at 260.  Trying desperately to find the strength and energy to exercise - at least walk.  It's so dang hot outside.  I had "custody" of the big dog right now...the one my STBXH went and got one day after I specifically told him I didn't want a big dog, I didn't have the time or energy or lifestyle or house or yard for a big dog..  That didn't stop him from letting me come home one day to the new addition.  Anyway, our friends offered to keep him for a while while we go through this and STBXH finds a place to live where he can take him.  Well, the friend's mom had a heart attack in NC - so they had to go suddenly.  So, Max came back to live with me.  It'd be great for me to walk him.  It's what I need - it's what he needs.  But I have found a 1000 excuses to not do it, including we live in a really busy, no sidewalk neighborhood and he isn't the best behaved with me - and is 80 pounds.  But, perhaps tonight, we walk.
And perhaps we'll do that after I shop for something to wear to this reunion.  I thought last year that I'd have this surgery and be down a bunch and looking for different clothes.  Trying to not focus on that though.  Just focus on today - this week - and try to keep things together.  and make a plan and do better.
Anyone else have some insecurity from a long time ago that crops up it's head still, years later?

Sunday, July 17, 2011

**tap tap** is this thing on??

Um.  Hi.

I know.  I've been missing.  I haven't posted.  I've been MIA. 

And then I was BOOB of the day.


And I have roommates for BOOBs who are sure - I am sure - that I am going to disappear for good.

No such luck. :)  I am here.  And I can't wait to meet you all in September.

Let's just summarize with life has been difficult.

I will now share parts of the stories.  Feel free to skip or move on or read it all.  Some of it is really fresh and hard to write about.  Some is just same old stuff.

I stay the same.  This morning I was still 260.2.  Good news - I haven't gained huge amounts.  Bad news - I am still exactly where I have been for like 100 years, I am sure.  I have had more restriction recently.  Let's just say I suspect that is due to stress.

I am also frustrated with my surgeon.  The last time I went for a fill was the first time they'd seen a slight gain.  Again - I was just about where I am now which is where I feel like I've been since surgery.  But, anywhoo...a thousand moments of blaming me and I'm not eating right and I'm not exercising and I'm not doing it right is what I heard.  Part of that, I am sure, is my own guilt.  But I think I expected more support from them.  I don't know.  Anyway, I have avoided a fill since then because I just don't want to deal.  Let's be real...I haven't done my best.  So, here I sit.

Where to start.  I'm not sure I am comfy with putting all the dirty details here.  But I'm putting quite a few out there because I need to.  What I am good with saying are a few things.
  • I love my husband.  He will always have a piece of my heart.  I fell in love with him because he cares about people and wants to be helpful.  He wants to teach me things. 
  • He has a pretty deep past of "stuff".  Stuff he hasn't dealt with, stuff that is deep in his family and history and previous relationships. 
  • He has avoided counseling.  He has started counseling and quit as soon as they got to the "stuff". 
  • I believe that not dealing with "stuff" has an effect on every part of our lives.

We met 6 years ago.  We were engaged within 5 months of meeting, but didn't get married for nearly 3 years after getting engaged.  We were actually supposed to get married within 1.5 years.  But, a little less than a year after we got engaged, he and I were struggling a little and when I backed off a bit to figure me and my feelings out, he threatened to kill himself.  Like had the shotgun and all.  My dad is a therapist (see philosophy of everyone has "stuff" above).  I was with him when I got the cal.  My dad called the police for me.  That was Labor Day '06.  He went to the hospital for the weekend, got out, went to outpatient group and counseling for a while.  We got ourselves back together.  He felt better.  He quit counseling and meds and all. 

Those of you who have experienced it for yourselves - or with others probably know already.  Depression isn't something you just handle yourself.  Meds aren't for you to control yourself.  Especially if you aren't the Doc. 

Anyway - we continue the pattern of in and out of depression for a while, but mostly good.  We get married in Nov of '08.  Still argue.  Sometimes ugly.  But, we move forward and do ok on the other end.

He is in and out of jobs.  He starts college for HVAC and is feeling good - he likes it.  He works under a grant for his professor.  Steady work he enjoys.

Grant disappears.  He gets job with a company almost immediately.  He gets overly enthusiastic.  They let him go 60 days later - saying he is too anxious about learning and getting out on his own.

Welcome back depression.

Oh...and as a side note - we sold the guns from the day of suicidal threat.  This just mentioned company supposedly makes him buy one and get a concealed carry permit because guys are getting robbed.

We go on vacation at the end of June.  Yeah - 4 weeks ago end of June. 
He spends every evening in a central lounge, supposedly, watching TV and thinking and trying to get himself "better".
He fights with me over little stuff.

Basically, it was a miserable week.  Luckily, we were there with my family, so it wasn't as bad as it could be. 

We get home - and I start to discover a long list of lies.  Literally from the time we drive home through the 1st week home, nearly everything he told me was a lie.  I suspect he is cheating on me.  He claims that she is a long time friend 10+ years - although I have never heard him speak of her.  He claims they aren't sleeping together.  I claim that sharing that much time and intimate detail is just as hurtful, if not more.  I don't believe him anyways.

We go through the week, making plans without each other, me not sure what I am supposed to do.  He refuses to see the counselor with me that we saw one time right before we left. 

Then it's 4th of July.  We have a decent afternoon together.  We defrost our freezer - without a cross word.  I plan to make dinner for us and rent some movies.  Let's see if we can just handle being together with limited discussion.

He gets a call at 5pm, takes it outside and suddenly leaves to "wash his car".  2 hours later, he rolls home.  I am visibly upset.  1 - did something happen to him.  2 - I know he was with her.

He denies it.  We fight.  Dinner  gets put away raw.  I go to pack to leave for the night.  He gets upset that I am leaving.  He locks the door.  He grabs my arms behind me and holds me - grabs my cell phone, tries to get my keys. 

I ask where the gun is.  The one he had had out earlier.  He looks at me, says "in the kitchen.  I'm going to go get it and kill myself."  He leaves me and I take my chance to run.  As I open the door to leave, I look back and he is at the door from the kitchen to the living room and the gun is directed towards me.

I ran to call the police at the neighbors.  He leaves, supposedly throws the gun in the river, comes back, police talk to him.  He ends up in jail for the night.  I get at protective order the next morning.

I filed for divorce last week.

I am still a mess at any given point.  I do love him.  I also know I can't do this anymore.  I can't watch him not getting help he needs or be the excuse for not getting help or whatever.

But I never thought I'd divorce.  I never thought I'd divorce someone I love.  I never thought we'd end up here. band has restriction.  Bitch band.  That's what it freakin' took?


I need to be back to blogging.  I am lonely at times.  I am struggling with my emotions and feelings and thoughts.  Excuse me over the next however long as I randomly go through life and spew it all out on this blog.

What I do know is that I am surrounded by amazing family and friends and you all.  And everyone so far has been supportive, despite their anger and fear and sadness for me.  I am blessed.  What i also know is that I refuse to be angry and bitter during this.  I just can't spend my energy there.  It takes too much from me.

There you have it.

I promise you'll see me more. 

Until later!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Thank you.

Thank you for you support and encouragement and everything.  It feels good to be refocused.  One day at a time.

One day at a time.

I'm back.

I have taken a long break from this blog.  I didn't mean to - I didn't say, ok, walk away for like 6 weeks.  But, time goes by and it happens.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been struggling.  Let's look at the ways in which I have struggled:
  • I have been working late and DH went back to school - so many nights I've been grabbing fast food.  Fries, burger, Coke.  The real thing.
  • I have been munching my way through the afternoons.  A few M&Ms here and a few too many pretzels there...and boom.  Munch munch munch.
  • I have been making excuses to not exercise at all.  A 1001 excuses.  Umm, hello treadmill we just bought and put in our basement - no reason to avoid you.
  • I am tired of feeling like I constantly have to think about food - what will I eat next, what is healthy, what has enough protein, when can I drink, what can I drink.
  • I am stuck - hard core stuck - waivering around 261.  Just hanging there taunting me day in and day out.  No movement.  I wonder why.
So...yesterday I went for a fill.  I was up technically 3 pounds since my last fill.  They had me at 259 in Jan and 261 yesterday.  Again - taunting me.  The NP wasn't thrilled.  I felt guilty and bad for not doing all the things good bandsters do.  I hate that.  Have you been eating enough?  Have you been eating the right things?  What do you think is going on?  Are your drinking with your meals?

Here's the thing.  We have lap bands.  In order to get to this place, we have been heavy for a while.  We have tried every trick, every diet, every hope.  We know what we are supposed to do.  We also know how to cheat.

And therein lies my problem.  I cheat.  Oh...I'll stop and get a burger and fried tonight, but tomorrow, I SWARE I'll eat at home and have a salad and grilled chicken.

Tomorrow comes.  The salad and grilled chicken don't.

Now...part of me wants to blame my band.  It isn't tight enough.  I don't feel restriction.  I can eat a burger.  On a bun.  With fries.

But, really, it's me.

I need to do better.  I need to make good choices.  I need to make better choices.  I need to do the best thing for me. 

And I need to get past the rewarding I do for myself. 

You know - "oh, it was such a hard day at work".  "oh, DH won't be home and I hate to make a huge mess in the kitchen over food for just me".  "oh, you ate well all day, you'll be fine with a little treat".

Ummm, hello, Paige.  This is how you got to this point.  If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

Just sayin'.

So...a fill.  I'm now at 5cc in my little band.  I actually felt satisfied with some soup after the fill and then just jello last night.  I just finished a banana and some yogurt this morning.  I am planning on yogurt, pudding, soup of the rest of the day.  Following liquid rules.  Maybe tonight I'll have some refried beans and cheese.

I also am going to start really planning out my day and going with it.  I am going to be stuck at 260 forever if I don't. 

I even got up and walked this morning.  Thank you to my dogs who decided that 5:30am was the time to let us know that they wanted out of crates and up on the bed.  Ugh.  But I walked.

And I want to run.  I want to be a runner.  I want to get past week one of Couch25K.

And I want to be down in the 220s by July.  We go on vacation at the end of June and I have a high school reunion this summer and I want to feel good.

Soooooo...there you have it.  Where I've been, where I want to go.

Speaking of where I want to go...who is planning to go to BOOBs in September???  Anyone want to talk about being roommates??  I love Chicago....

OK.  I sware I'll be back...sooner than this last time.  Hopefully not longer than a day or 2 from here on out.  I missed you all.  I jsut needed to wallow, it appears.

love you all!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I've been missing for almost 2 weeks from here.  I have been struggling.

I got my fill on the 29th of Dec.  I felt a little restriction, but not tons. 

I've been eating whatever I want since then.

I suspect there are people out there who would say that this is about eating, not should be able to eat whatever if you want it - IN MODERATION.  Well, I've been eating less than once upon a time, but still more than I should and very rarely the stuff that is good for me.

I am struggling.

I want to do this.  I want to make good choices.  I am still in my old head and habits and those haven't changed.  Which explains my lack of weight loss over these almost 4 months.

I feel a little lost.  Maybe not lost....  I'm perhaps lacking confidence....  Maybe it's motivation.  Although, I WANT to do well.  When faced with choices, I choose the old way, the stuff that isn't good and the amounts that are more than necessary.

I thought I'd try the 5 day pouch test.  Yeah.  By 5pm I was so ravenous that I ate every snack food I had randomly in my office.  So much for all liquids that day.  And I had done well - a really well protein packed shake for breakfast, protein heavy soup for lunch, a protein drink for a snack....50-60 grams of protein by that point.

Of course we all know what goes with all of this...the feeling of failure.  I never have done it before, so of course I can't do it now.  I'll be the only bandster in the blog world who fails at this.  I can't do anything right.  Blah blah blah.  Of course, deep down, I don't believe this.  However, the negative track runs through my head every so often and certainly doesn't help.

I needed to just get this all out there.  I am open to suggestions.  I keep thinking that tomorrow I will wake up and start again. hasn't happened that way yet.  I keep thinking and debating and reading and looking for some answers.  I have faith. 

But I'm struggling.