Just feeling down.

I just feel down right now.  I know - it's to be expected.  But I don't usually feel this down for this long.

 

One of my biggest fears and insecurities is the thought that people just don't want to be with me.  I used to take it personally if STBXH didn't want to spend time with me, but wanted to be in his man cave or whatever.  I am sensitive when people cancel plans or put off making plans with me.  Now, it's not all rational.  I didn't always want to be with STBXH.  I like alone time sometimes.  I don't always get right back to people to make plans.  I have even at times cancelled plans, not because I didn't want to be with them, but because something came up.

 

Well, today, I had a lunch date with one friend and a dinner date with another.  Lunch date said she could still get together, but it would be better if we reschedule.  sure, no problem.  dinner date was with a woman I was really close to in jr high school.  By the time we were sophomores, (and this is all still my perspective) she had turned our group of girlfriends away from me and we all in all stopped talking, leaving me without close girlfriends at my high school.  I developed new friendships, with people at other high schools...but still that all stung.  In fact, I believe it was this time in life that made me so sensitive about people wanting to be with me.  ANYWAYS, thanks to the power of Facebook, said friend and I "found" each other and started talking again.  We actually have lots in common and share opinions on politics and religion.  So I suggested that we maybe have lunch and catch up - sure that she'd find a way to avoid me - and she didn't.  In fact, she was so sure I still really hated her for how she treated me, she was shocked I suggested lunch.  We met, had a great lunch and vowed to get together again soon.  She is married, has 3 kids, lots of friends, active.  So...it's been almost 6 months since that lunch.  We've tried a few times...never worked out.  Tonight was supposed to be our chance - but, she texted me a while ago that she had a sick kid and that we'd have to reschedule.

 

OK...we can do that.

 

but it's amazing how easily I can go back to those feelings from high school.  Our 20 year high school reunion is this weekend.  I asked if she was going.  Turns out that the 2 other girls we were close with are staying with her this weekend from out of town and she messaged that they weren't sure if they were going.  Honestly, I just felt jealous about being left out, not getting to see them, etc.  Really?  People I haven't been close to in 22 years?  Dear God....but I'll tell you, I am 15 years old all over again!!  Jealous and hurt.

 

And my other struggle right now is lonliness.  I know I'm doing the right thing when it comes to my marriage.  But dang it if it isn't lonely knowing I am going home to an empty house tonight, now that plans are cancelled.  And it was lonely this weekend.  And Sunday when I went to the grocery store for what I think is my first big trip since this all went down 3 weeks ago, I am pretty sure I had a panic attack.  Small, but pretty sure.  I felt my heart race and it took every ounce of trying to keep focused on where I was and what I was doing.  I just kept thinking, no I don't need that anymore.  No, I don't need to get those anymore.  Those were for STBXH when I used to buy those.  Everywhere I turned, it was as if he followed me.

 

And I'm not alone, but I think I'm one of my first friends to go through this, so I am struggling with not knowing who to talk to and about what and what things mean I'm going nuts vs what things don't mean that.  Does that even make sense?

 

So...I struggle.  Still at 260.  Trying desperately to find the strength and energy to exercise - at least walk.  It's so dang hot outside.  I had "custody" of the big dog right now...the one my STBXH went and got one day after I specifically told him I didn't want a big dog, I didn't have the time or energy or lifestyle or house or yard for a big dog..  That didn't stop him from letting me come home one day to the new addition.  Anyway, our friends offered to keep him for a while while we go through this and STBXH finds a place to live where he can take him.  Well, the friend's mom had a heart attack in NC - so they had to go suddenly.  So, Max came back to live with me.  It'd be great for me to walk him.  It's what I need - it's what he needs.  But I have found a 1000 excuses to not do it, including we live in a really busy, no sidewalk neighborhood and he isn't the best behaved with me - and is 80 pounds.  But, perhaps tonight, we walk.

 

And perhaps we'll do that after I shop for something to wear to this reunion.  I thought last year that I'd have this surgery and be down a bunch and looking for different clothes.  Trying to not focus on that though.  Just focus on today - this week - and try to keep things together.  and make a plan and do better.

 

Anyone else have some insecurity from a long time ago that crops up it's head still, years later?