**tap tap** is this thing on??

Um.  Hi.

I know.  I've been missing.  I haven't posted.  I've been MIA. 

And then I was BOOB of the day.

Oops. 

And I have roommates for BOOBs who are sure - I am sure - that I am going to disappear for good.

No such luck. :)  I am here.  And I can't wait to meet you all in September.

Let's just summarize with life has been difficult.

I will now share parts of the stories.  Feel free to skip or move on or read it all.  Some of it is really fresh and hard to write about.  Some is just same old stuff.

Weight.
I stay the same.  This morning I was still 260.2.  Good news - I haven't gained huge amounts.  Bad news - I am still exactly where I have been for like 100 years, I am sure.  I have had more restriction recently.  Let's just say I suspect that is due to stress.

I am also frustrated with my surgeon.  The last time I went for a fill was the first time they'd seen a slight gain.  Again - I was just about where I am now which is where I feel like I've been since surgery.  But, anywhoo...a thousand moments of blaming me and I'm not eating right and I'm not exercising and I'm not doing it right is what I heard.  Part of that, I am sure, is my own guilt.  But I think I expected more support from them.  I don't know.  Anyway, I have avoided a fill since then because I just don't want to deal.  Let's be real...I haven't done my best.  So, here I sit.

Life.
Where to start.  I'm not sure I am comfy with putting all the dirty details here.  But I'm putting quite a few out there because I need to.  What I am good with saying are a few things.

• I love my husband.  He will always have a piece of my heart.  I fell in love with him because he cares about people and wants to be helpful.  He wants to teach me things. 
• He has a pretty deep past of "stuff".  Stuff he hasn't dealt with, stuff that is deep in his family and history and previous relationships. 
• He has avoided counseling.  He has started counseling and quit as soon as they got to the "stuff". 
• I believe that not dealing with "stuff" has an effect on every part of our lives.

We met 6 years ago.  We were engaged within 5 months of meeting, but didn't get married for nearly 3 years after getting engaged.  We were actually supposed to get married within 1.5 years.  But, a little less than a year after we got engaged, he and I were struggling a little and when I backed off a bit to figure me and my feelings out, he threatened to kill himself.  Like had the shotgun and all.  My dad is a therapist (see philosophy of everyone has "stuff" above).  I was with him when I got the cal.  My dad called the police for me.  That was Labor Day '06.  He went to the hospital for the weekend, got out, went to outpatient group and counseling for a while.  We got ourselves back together.  He felt better.  He quit counseling and meds and all. 

Those of you who have experienced it for yourselves - or with others probably know already.  Depression isn't something you just handle yourself.  Meds aren't for you to control yourself.  Especially if you aren't the Doc. 

Anyway - we continue the pattern of in and out of depression for a while, but mostly good.  We get married in Nov of '08.  Still argue.  Sometimes ugly.  But, we move forward and do ok on the other end.

He is in and out of jobs.  He starts college for HVAC and is feeling good - he likes it.  He works under a grant for his professor.  Steady work he enjoys.

Grant disappears.  He gets job with a company almost immediately.  He gets overly enthusiastic.  They let him go 60 days later - saying he is too anxious about learning and getting out on his own.

Welcome back depression.

Oh...and as a side note - we sold the guns from the day of suicidal threat.  This just mentioned company supposedly makes him buy one and get a concealed carry permit because guys are getting robbed.

We go on vacation at the end of June.  Yeah - 4 weeks ago end of June. 
He spends every evening in a central lounge, supposedly, watching TV and thinking and trying to get himself "better".
He fights with me over little stuff.

Basically, it was a miserable week.  Luckily, we were there with my family, so it wasn't as bad as it could be. 

We get home - and I start to discover a long list of lies.  Literally from the time we drive home through the 1st week home, nearly everything he told me was a lie.  I suspect he is cheating on me.  He claims that she is a long time friend 10+ years - although I have never heard him speak of her.  He claims they aren't sleeping together.  I claim that sharing that much time and intimate detail is just as hurtful, if not more.  I don't believe him anyways.

We go through the week, making plans without each other, me not sure what I am supposed to do.  He refuses to see the counselor with me that we saw one time right before we left. 

Then it's 4th of July.  We have a decent afternoon together.  We defrost our freezer - without a cross word.  I plan to make dinner for us and rent some movies.  Let's see if we can just handle being together with limited discussion.

He gets a call at 5pm, takes it outside and suddenly leaves to "wash his car".  2 hours later, he rolls home.  I am visibly upset.  1 - did something happen to him.  2 - I know he was with her.

He denies it.  We fight.  Dinner  gets put away raw.  I go to pack to leave for the night.  He gets upset that I am leaving.  He locks the door.  He grabs my arms behind me and holds me - grabs my cell phone, tries to get my keys. 

I ask where the gun is.  The one he had had out earlier.  He looks at me, says "in the kitchen.  I'm going to go get it and kill myself."  He leaves me and I take my chance to run.  As I open the door to leave, I look back and he is at the door from the kitchen to the living room and the gun is directed towards me.

I ran to call the police at the neighbors.  He leaves, supposedly throws the gun in the river, comes back, police talk to him.  He ends up in jail for the night.  I get at protective order the next morning.

I filed for divorce last week.

I am still a mess at any given point.  I do love him.  I also know I can't do this anymore.  I can't watch him not getting help he needs or be the excuse for not getting help or whatever.

But I never thought I'd divorce.  I never thought I'd divorce someone I love.  I never thought we'd end up here.



So...my band has restriction.  Bitch band.  That's what it freakin' took?

:)

I need to be back to blogging.  I am lonely at times.  I am struggling with my emotions and feelings and thoughts.  Excuse me over the next however long as I randomly go through life and spew it all out on this blog.

What I do know is that I am surrounded by amazing family and friends and you all.  And everyone so far has been supportive, despite their anger and fear and sadness for me.  I am blessed.  What i also know is that I refuse to be angry and bitter during this.  I just can't spend my energy there.  It takes too much from me.

There you have it.

I promise you'll see me more. 

Until later!