I've been missing for almost 2 weeks from here. I have been struggling.
I got my fill on the 29th of Dec. I felt a little restriction, but not tons.
I've been eating whatever I want since then.
I suspect there are people out there who would say that this is about eating, not depriving...you should be able to eat whatever if you want it - IN MODERATION. Well, I've been eating less than once upon a time, but still more than I should and very rarely the stuff that is good for me.
I am struggling.
I want to do this. I want to make good choices. I am still in my old head and habits and those haven't changed. Which explains my lack of weight loss over these almost 4 months.
I feel a little lost. Maybe not lost.... I'm perhaps lacking confidence.... Maybe it's motivation. Although, I WANT to do well. When faced with choices, I choose the old way, the stuff that isn't good and the amounts that are more than necessary.
I thought I'd try the 5 day pouch test. Yeah. By 5pm I was so ravenous that I ate every snack food I had randomly in my office. So much for all liquids that day. And I had done well - a really well protein packed shake for breakfast, protein heavy soup for lunch, a protein drink for a snack....50-60 grams of protein by that point.
Of course we all know what goes with all of this...the feeling of failure. I never have done it before, so of course I can't do it now. I'll be the only bandster in the blog world who fails at this. I can't do anything right. Blah blah blah. Of course, deep down, I don't believe this. However, the negative track runs through my head every so often and certainly doesn't help.
I needed to just get this all out there. I am open to suggestions. I keep thinking that tomorrow I will wake up and start again. But...it hasn't happened that way yet. I keep thinking and debating and reading and looking for some answers. I have faith.
But I'm struggling.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
3rd fill!
Hope everyone is doing well and surviving the last week of the year!
Christmas went well. Spent as little time as possible with in-laws. We were due snow, I asked DH to ask MIL to move dinner to lunch so we could get in and out of town before. I didn't eat breakfast, got there and she had decided to not move dinner, just make a cheeseball and let us eat candy. Cheeseball, crackers, and candy. Now, mind you - all good stuff. Not a meal. Just the kind of thing I am trying to avoid. So...good times.
Otherwise, it was great. DH spoiled me more than I deserved and it was great spending time with my nieces and nephew. DH and I also had most of Christmas afternoon and night to ourselves, so we watched all 3 Toy Story movies, marathon style. Perfect way to spend the day!!
I am feeling better, mostly. I am on day 9 of 10 of antibiotics. I am still waking with post nasal drip. I'm a little over that, but otherwise, I feel better overall.
I went in for my 3rd fill today. I'm up to 4.5cc in the band. I weighed in there, with clothes on, obviously, at 257. They think that's great. I don't think so much. I think the weight they had for me for the last time either wasn't recorded or it was me with my coat on or something. They had me at 264. Maybe that is what I was at Thanksgiving....I have to go back and check it out. Anyway, I met with the nutritionist. Do you all have access to a nutritionist whenever you go for fills? Anyway, this one is the one I have liked from day one - she is kind and supportive and actually has realistic suggestions. The other one once told me I should just bring my own frozen meal or whatever into the lunch meetings at work. Where I'm trying to stay on the down-low on what I did. sure. Everyone else is eating pizza or Panera. And the fat girl brings in a WW meal or a turkey sandwich of her own. Very inconspicuous. and very doable. That would make me feel great.
Anyway....today I met with the good one and am getting refocused on the basics. 60-70g of protein and 64-80oz of H20. Veggies and fruits as part of my snacks and meals, in a small way. Up exercise to 4 x per week. 4 basics to get back to. Also, I am getting back to planning our meals out. We have gotten lazy and really the holidays are hard. There is always some meal, some something to go to with food. I rarely needed to cook. We had leftovers from outings and leftovers from meals at work and so on and so forth. So back to meal planning. Back to bringing good solid lunches to work. Back to making good breakfast choices.
It's the New Year. I always have high hopes for the new year. However, this year, it's different. Last year, I thought that I could do this by myself. This year, I have a buddy - my band. I need a name for it. This year, I know I have the tools to make good choices. This year, I want to start trying to have kids. I want to get down below 200 so that I feel healthy enough to be pregnant and actually get pregnant. 2011 holds a lot of promise.
I stopped on the way to work from my fill at Trader Joe's to get a protein drink, as I didn't plan well and leave with one this morning. I picked up the Protein with Pizazz ready-to-drink drink out of the fridge case. Tasty. I recommend it for a quick grab in a desperate moment. a little chalky, but good banana and apple flavor to it. almost 2 servings in a bottle (really? Just put .8 more oz in the bottle, people) and 16g of protein.
Until later...
Christmas went well. Spent as little time as possible with in-laws. We were due snow, I asked DH to ask MIL to move dinner to lunch so we could get in and out of town before. I didn't eat breakfast, got there and she had decided to not move dinner, just make a cheeseball and let us eat candy. Cheeseball, crackers, and candy. Now, mind you - all good stuff. Not a meal. Just the kind of thing I am trying to avoid. So...good times.
Otherwise, it was great. DH spoiled me more than I deserved and it was great spending time with my nieces and nephew. DH and I also had most of Christmas afternoon and night to ourselves, so we watched all 3 Toy Story movies, marathon style. Perfect way to spend the day!!
I am feeling better, mostly. I am on day 9 of 10 of antibiotics. I am still waking with post nasal drip. I'm a little over that, but otherwise, I feel better overall.
I went in for my 3rd fill today. I'm up to 4.5cc in the band. I weighed in there, with clothes on, obviously, at 257. They think that's great. I don't think so much. I think the weight they had for me for the last time either wasn't recorded or it was me with my coat on or something. They had me at 264. Maybe that is what I was at Thanksgiving....I have to go back and check it out. Anyway, I met with the nutritionist. Do you all have access to a nutritionist whenever you go for fills? Anyway, this one is the one I have liked from day one - she is kind and supportive and actually has realistic suggestions. The other one once told me I should just bring my own frozen meal or whatever into the lunch meetings at work. Where I'm trying to stay on the down-low on what I did. sure. Everyone else is eating pizza or Panera. And the fat girl brings in a WW meal or a turkey sandwich of her own. Very inconspicuous. and very doable. That would make me feel great.
Anyway....today I met with the good one and am getting refocused on the basics. 60-70g of protein and 64-80oz of H20. Veggies and fruits as part of my snacks and meals, in a small way. Up exercise to 4 x per week. 4 basics to get back to. Also, I am getting back to planning our meals out. We have gotten lazy and really the holidays are hard. There is always some meal, some something to go to with food. I rarely needed to cook. We had leftovers from outings and leftovers from meals at work and so on and so forth. So back to meal planning. Back to bringing good solid lunches to work. Back to making good breakfast choices.
It's the New Year. I always have high hopes for the new year. However, this year, it's different. Last year, I thought that I could do this by myself. This year, I have a buddy - my band. I need a name for it. This year, I know I have the tools to make good choices. This year, I want to start trying to have kids. I want to get down below 200 so that I feel healthy enough to be pregnant and actually get pregnant. 2011 holds a lot of promise.
I stopped on the way to work from my fill at Trader Joe's to get a protein drink, as I didn't plan well and leave with one this morning. I picked up the Protein with Pizazz ready-to-drink drink out of the fridge case. Tasty. I recommend it for a quick grab in a desperate moment. a little chalky, but good banana and apple flavor to it. almost 2 servings in a bottle (really? Just put .8 more oz in the bottle, people) and 16g of protein.
Until later...
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sinus Infection. Blah.
Hey all!!
I've been fighting congestion basically since Thanksgiving. Finally got a little worse over the weekend and went to the Dr yesterday. Sinus infection. So, on drugs and feeling a little better already.
But struggling with eating or drinking enough. Just feel blah. How do you all do when you are sick?
Oh and not helpful to have snacks and cookies around right now. I stayed home. I may or may not have snacked a little today too. However, not much, in the whole scheme of things. One cookie and 2 handfuls of chex mix.
I just want to feel better before the weekend.
Tomorrow we are taking my nieces to see The Nutcracker. Can't wait!! They are so excited. And a granddaughter of my parents' best friends is one of the children in it. So...even more exciting!
MIL guilted DH into going to her house for Christmas Eve. Boo. I just think it's a bad idea. But, he wants to make her happy - don't we all just want our parents happy? Anyway, I have been secretly praying for the snow we are supposed to get - and now might not get. I need it. Just long enough for us to not go, but then to stop so everyone else can do what they need to for the holidays. : ) DH passed his journeyman's test this week. We both posted it on FB separately. All kinds of people congratulated him on mine. A handful on his. None of his family. Not even his sister or nieces. Drives me crazy. Completely crazy.
*oohhmmm* *channeling some peace*
Gifts are all bought and wrapped. Cards did not get sent out, but I think I am going to send them after Christmas. I don't know. Haven't decided. Everything baked. Ready to enjoy the holidays. Working on some plans for NYE. So things are good.
I'm getting a fill next week. I'm able to eat a decent amount beyond a cup at any one sitting. Not starving between meals, but still not feeling restricted at all. DH went today for his - he is barely drinking. I think he might have over done it...but we'll see and I'll let him decide. :) You all know how that works. Love him. Stubborn and all.
OK...should be able to jump back on for a bit in the next few days, but in case you all aren't around, have the Merriest of Christmases, if that's what you celebrate. If not, have a peaceful weekend!!
Until later
I've been fighting congestion basically since Thanksgiving. Finally got a little worse over the weekend and went to the Dr yesterday. Sinus infection. So, on drugs and feeling a little better already.
But struggling with eating or drinking enough. Just feel blah. How do you all do when you are sick?
Oh and not helpful to have snacks and cookies around right now. I stayed home. I may or may not have snacked a little today too. However, not much, in the whole scheme of things. One cookie and 2 handfuls of chex mix.
I just want to feel better before the weekend.
Tomorrow we are taking my nieces to see The Nutcracker. Can't wait!! They are so excited. And a granddaughter of my parents' best friends is one of the children in it. So...even more exciting!
MIL guilted DH into going to her house for Christmas Eve. Boo. I just think it's a bad idea. But, he wants to make her happy - don't we all just want our parents happy? Anyway, I have been secretly praying for the snow we are supposed to get - and now might not get. I need it. Just long enough for us to not go, but then to stop so everyone else can do what they need to for the holidays. : ) DH passed his journeyman's test this week. We both posted it on FB separately. All kinds of people congratulated him on mine. A handful on his. None of his family. Not even his sister or nieces. Drives me crazy. Completely crazy.
*oohhmmm* *channeling some peace*
Gifts are all bought and wrapped. Cards did not get sent out, but I think I am going to send them after Christmas. I don't know. Haven't decided. Everything baked. Ready to enjoy the holidays. Working on some plans for NYE. So things are good.
I'm getting a fill next week. I'm able to eat a decent amount beyond a cup at any one sitting. Not starving between meals, but still not feeling restricted at all. DH went today for his - he is barely drinking. I think he might have over done it...but we'll see and I'll let him decide. :) You all know how that works. Love him. Stubborn and all.
OK...should be able to jump back on for a bit in the next few days, but in case you all aren't around, have the Merriest of Christmases, if that's what you celebrate. If not, have a peaceful weekend!!
Until later
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Snow, days off, Inlaws
Hey all!
Gosh it's crazy how the holiday season just kinda takes over. I have today and tomorrow off. I needed them.
I work in HR and about this time of year, I get really tired of people. We are a good company, we offer some pretty fantastic benefits, we do a lot of nice things for our employees. This year for holiday luncheons we stayed onsite (easiest to do with a new shift set-up and 450 employees) and catered in a nice meal from a local famous ribs place. Ribs, chicken, salad and these chips they are known for - along with ice cream sandwiches from a local famous ice cream place.
I can't tell you how many "can I order something different"s I got. When I was standing with the free pop - choices were coke, diet c, sprite and diet mt dew, I got no less than 5 "do you have xyz pop?" Really people? Free meal. Good meal. Free drink. Oh, you're welcome.
BTW, out of 450 employees, I only had to say you're welcome 5 times. No other thank yous.
Sigh.
And a bunch of other "give me mores" that happened this week. So, I'm done with being a people person for a few days.
We got about 5 inches of snow last night. I'm glad to not have to go out in it until later. I'm getting my nails done - trying this new Shellac treatment - supposedly stays crack and chip free for 2 weeks. We'll see!!
I'm also doing my annual baking. I give away cookies plus host an annual cookie exchange. The good thing is that mostly, I stay away from eating most of it. I just like making and giving.
And I've had ongoing in-law drama. I grew up watching my parents friends struggle with daughter and son in laws and always thought, "not me...I'm going to be a great daughter in law". I'm sad that it isn't turning out that way. Without a ton of details, DHs family is just so different in terms of respect and appreciation and tolerance for one another. It is nothing for the aunts (MIL is one of 6 sisters) to bash my DH or talk negatively about him. DH has not always been a great person. He is big - has been all of his life. I'm pretty sure that when he feels attacked or uncomfortable, he goes back to the 10 yo being bullied on the playground and does the only thing he knows how - fights. Not so much physcially now, but emotionally and verbally. Anyway, I expect the aunts to be the bigger people and not pick at DH, but they do. And so does MIL on some level, I am finally seeing. But...the story everyone always tells is how mean DH is. No one mentions or remembers that they picked at him first or were mean too.... Anyway - it just wears me out. I haven't gotten a therapist, like I wanted to after the surgery. Now I really think I need to. I just get so upset for DH and for how horrible his whole family situation is. I need to figure out how to better cope with them. Luckily, DH decided we aren't going to MILs on Christmas Eve. So this weekend we'll make a brief visit to the extended family gathering, see his niece and sister and then move on to more fun events.
Blah.
I just needed to get it all out. Not much about food or band or that stuff. Sorry. But it feels good to just get it out there.
I'm going to weigh in in a bit on my home scale for my weekly.
Until later....
Gosh it's crazy how the holiday season just kinda takes over. I have today and tomorrow off. I needed them.
I work in HR and about this time of year, I get really tired of people. We are a good company, we offer some pretty fantastic benefits, we do a lot of nice things for our employees. This year for holiday luncheons we stayed onsite (easiest to do with a new shift set-up and 450 employees) and catered in a nice meal from a local famous ribs place. Ribs, chicken, salad and these chips they are known for - along with ice cream sandwiches from a local famous ice cream place.
I can't tell you how many "can I order something different"s I got. When I was standing with the free pop - choices were coke, diet c, sprite and diet mt dew, I got no less than 5 "do you have xyz pop?" Really people? Free meal. Good meal. Free drink. Oh, you're welcome.
BTW, out of 450 employees, I only had to say you're welcome 5 times. No other thank yous.
Sigh.
And a bunch of other "give me mores" that happened this week. So, I'm done with being a people person for a few days.
We got about 5 inches of snow last night. I'm glad to not have to go out in it until later. I'm getting my nails done - trying this new Shellac treatment - supposedly stays crack and chip free for 2 weeks. We'll see!!
I'm also doing my annual baking. I give away cookies plus host an annual cookie exchange. The good thing is that mostly, I stay away from eating most of it. I just like making and giving.
And I've had ongoing in-law drama. I grew up watching my parents friends struggle with daughter and son in laws and always thought, "not me...I'm going to be a great daughter in law". I'm sad that it isn't turning out that way. Without a ton of details, DHs family is just so different in terms of respect and appreciation and tolerance for one another. It is nothing for the aunts (MIL is one of 6 sisters) to bash my DH or talk negatively about him. DH has not always been a great person. He is big - has been all of his life. I'm pretty sure that when he feels attacked or uncomfortable, he goes back to the 10 yo being bullied on the playground and does the only thing he knows how - fights. Not so much physcially now, but emotionally and verbally. Anyway, I expect the aunts to be the bigger people and not pick at DH, but they do. And so does MIL on some level, I am finally seeing. But...the story everyone always tells is how mean DH is. No one mentions or remembers that they picked at him first or were mean too.... Anyway - it just wears me out. I haven't gotten a therapist, like I wanted to after the surgery. Now I really think I need to. I just get so upset for DH and for how horrible his whole family situation is. I need to figure out how to better cope with them. Luckily, DH decided we aren't going to MILs on Christmas Eve. So this weekend we'll make a brief visit to the extended family gathering, see his niece and sister and then move on to more fun events.
Blah.
I just needed to get it all out. Not much about food or band or that stuff. Sorry. But it feels good to just get it out there.
I'm going to weigh in in a bit on my home scale for my weekly.
Until later....
Thursday, December 9, 2010
3 lbs down!
I must have had a scale that wasn't quite awake this morning. My official weigh in had me down 3 lbs to 255.2. I'm good with that. Would have loved the other. But, it's all good. Still moving in the right direction.
I hope you are all having a good Thursday!!! Here comes the weekend.
I hope you are all having a good Thursday!!! Here comes the weekend.
A Giveaway and Freaking Out
ok - first things first.
Over at The World According to Eggface, she is giving away 4 bottles of yummy holiday flavored Torani Syrups. I am finding that adding SF syrups to my protein shakes TOTALLY makes them managable. And it allows me to have some good flavors without 1000 kinds of protein powder. I'm so excited too because it includes the new SF Salted Caramel syrup. Hello??? yummo!! I love me so salted caramel hot chocolate - so this would let me have the great flavor - without the cost or the calories. So...run over there and enter to win because it would be almost as fun if one of you won!!! : )
Now, for the freaking out segment.
I got on the home scale this morning. 247.8.
I am trying desperately to keep peeing and getting the weight to stay just like that until 12:30 when I have my official weigh in at work. eek. As part of the weightw@tchers thing - this would put me past 10%. Heck, in regular life,t his would give me more than 10% lost. I really want to see it today because i don't have another meeting until January - because they are at work meetings.
Eeeek. Think light thoughts for me today.
Over at The World According to Eggface, she is giving away 4 bottles of yummy holiday flavored Torani Syrups. I am finding that adding SF syrups to my protein shakes TOTALLY makes them managable. And it allows me to have some good flavors without 1000 kinds of protein powder. I'm so excited too because it includes the new SF Salted Caramel syrup. Hello??? yummo!! I love me so salted caramel hot chocolate - so this would let me have the great flavor - without the cost or the calories. So...run over there and enter to win because it would be almost as fun if one of you won!!! : )
Now, for the freaking out segment.
I got on the home scale this morning. 247.8.
I am trying desperately to keep peeing and getting the weight to stay just like that until 12:30 when I have my official weigh in at work. eek. As part of the weightw@tchers thing - this would put me past 10%. Heck, in regular life,t his would give me more than 10% lost. I really want to see it today because i don't have another meeting until January - because they are at work meetings.
Eeeek. Think light thoughts for me today.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Blogger Picture error and Christmas
But I love our tree this year.
and these are our holiday plates/china. I love that they are wintery enough that I don't have to put them away as soon as Christmas is over. I usually keep them out until about Valentine's Day. They are discontinued. One day, I'd like to have more glasses that go with them. Right now I only have 2.
Have a great week everyone!!
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