Struggling.

I've been missing for almost 2 weeks from here.  I have been struggling.

I got my fill on the 29th of Dec.  I felt a little restriction, but not tons. 

I've been eating whatever I want since then.

I suspect there are people out there who would say that this is about eating, not depriving...you should be able to eat whatever if you want it - IN MODERATION.  Well, I've been eating less than once upon a time, but still more than I should and very rarely the stuff that is good for me.

I am struggling.

I want to do this.  I want to make good choices.  I am still in my old head and habits and those haven't changed.  Which explains my lack of weight loss over these almost 4 months.

I feel a little lost.  Maybe not lost....  I'm perhaps lacking confidence....  Maybe it's motivation.  Although, I WANT to do well.  When faced with choices, I choose the old way, the stuff that isn't good and the amounts that are more than necessary.

I thought I'd try the 5 day pouch test.  Yeah.  By 5pm I was so ravenous that I ate every snack food I had randomly in my office.  So much for all liquids that day.  And I had done well - a really well protein packed shake for breakfast, protein heavy soup for lunch, a protein drink for a snack....50-60 grams of protein by that point.

Of course we all know what goes with all of this...the feeling of failure.  I never have done it before, so of course I can't do it now.  I'll be the only bandster in the blog world who fails at this.  I can't do anything right.  Blah blah blah.  Of course, deep down, I don't believe this.  However, the negative track runs through my head every so often and certainly doesn't help.

I needed to just get this all out there.  I am open to suggestions.  I keep thinking that tomorrow I will wake up and start again.  But...it hasn't happened that way yet.  I keep thinking and debating and reading and looking for some answers.  I have faith. 

But I'm struggling.