I'm back.

I have taken a long break from this blog.  I didn't mean to - I didn't say, ok, walk away for like 6 weeks.  But, time goes by and it happens.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been struggling.  Let's look at the ways in which I have struggled:

• I have been working late and DH went back to school - so many nights I've been grabbing fast food.  Fries, burger, Coke.  The real thing.
• I have been munching my way through the afternoons.  A few M&Ms here and a few too many pretzels there...and boom.  Munch munch munch.
• I have been making excuses to not exercise at all.  A 1001 excuses.  Umm, hello treadmill we just bought and put in our basement - no reason to avoid you.
• I am tired of feeling like I constantly have to think about food - what will I eat next, what is healthy, what has enough protein, when can I drink, what can I drink.
• I am stuck - hard core stuck - waivering around 261.  Just hanging there taunting me day in and day out.  No movement.  I wonder why.

So...yesterday I went for a fill.  I was up technically 3 pounds since my last fill.  They had me at 259 in Jan and 261 yesterday.  Again - taunting me.  The NP wasn't thrilled.  I felt guilty and bad for not doing all the things good bandsters do.  I hate that.  Have you been eating enough?  Have you been eating the right things?  What do you think is going on?  Are your drinking with your meals?

Here's the thing.  We have lap bands.  In order to get to this place, we have been heavy for a while.  We have tried every trick, every diet, every hope.  We know what we are supposed to do.  We also know how to cheat.

And therein lies my problem.  I cheat.  Oh...I'll stop and get a burger and fried tonight, but tomorrow, I SWARE I'll eat at home and have a salad and grilled chicken.

Tomorrow comes.  The salad and grilled chicken don't.

Now...part of me wants to blame my band.  It isn't tight enough.  I don't feel restriction.  I can eat a burger.  On a bun.  With fries.

But, really, it's me.

I need to do better.  I need to make good choices.  I need to make better choices.  I need to do the best thing for me. 

And I need to get past the rewarding I do for myself. 

You know - "oh, it was such a hard day at work".  "oh, DH won't be home and I hate to make a huge mess in the kitchen over food for just me".  "oh, you ate well all day, you'll be fine with a little treat".

Ummm, hello, Paige.  This is how you got to this point.  If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

Just sayin'.

So...a fill.  I'm now at 5cc in my little band.  I actually felt satisfied with some soup after the fill and then just jello last night.  I just finished a banana and some yogurt this morning.  I am planning on yogurt, pudding, soup of the rest of the day.  Following liquid rules.  Maybe tonight I'll have some refried beans and cheese.

I also am going to start really planning out my day and going with it.  I am going to be stuck at 260 forever if I don't. 

I even got up and walked this morning.  Thank you to my dogs who decided that 5:30am was the time to let us know that they wanted out of crates and up on the bed.  Ugh.  But I walked.

And I want to run.  I want to be a runner.  I want to get past week one of Couch25K.

And I want to be down in the 220s by July.  We go on vacation at the end of June and I have a high school reunion this summer and I want to feel good.

Soooooo...there you have it.  Where I've been, where I want to go.

Speaking of where I want to go...who is planning to go to BOOBs in September???  Anyone want to talk about being roommates??  I love Chicago....

OK.  I sware I'll be back...sooner than this last time.  Hopefully not longer than a day or 2 from here on out.  I missed you all.  I jsut needed to wallow, it appears.

love you all!